How does it feel being 32?

Sudah lama nih, gak curhat, boleh ya sekali2?

Akhir2 ini saya mengalami kelelahan yang amat sangat. Ketika makan banyak tidak memberi saya cukup energi untuk melakukan aktivitas sehari2. Ketika tidur 8 jam semalam pun tidak juga mengusir penat dari tubuh saya. Seluruh energi yang masuk sepertinya terkuras. #lebay mode on#

(gak gitu2 amat deng..!)

Aahh., setelah menikah dan punya anak, saya baru benar2 mengerti kenapa kalau 2 sejoli menikah, ucapan yang paling umum (di Indo) adalah ‘selamat menempuh hidup baru’. (Gak usahlah ditambahi embel2 ‘semoga bahagia selalu’. Because that is impossible. Because, life is like a wheel (or roller coaster?)). Because actually what change our life and make differences, are marriage and having a baby. Not a number that is called A-G-E.

So, being 25 and have married (then having a baby immediately), will change your life totally. And both will speed up your maturity, more than being 35 and still single. Your life will be very busy. Then you feel like 24 hours a day is not enough.

After that, when you see your face and body in a mirror, you will see a woman that looks older (maybe 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, or more…) than her real age. Your skin loses its natural moisture. Your hair looks dull. Smooth wrinkles appear on your face.  And also fat in your belly.

Not easy to have your real ‘me time’ anymore. Because your days are very busy, to take care of your child(ren), your husband, washing and ironing clothes, clean your house, grocery shopping, cooking, washing the dishes, dropping off and picking up your child(ren) from school, etc. Don’t forget your main role as an educator for your child(ren). You also have to play with them sometimes. And so on.

Now, imagine that your role is not just as a housewife. I mean, you also work, in an office, which has working hour from 8 to 4.30. Sometimes you have to go out of city for official duties, for few days. You have a 4-years old-active-little girl. And you have no assistant to help you, to do the domestic works. It is not because about the money. It is because, it’s not easy to get a domestic assistant now. Your parents are too old to take care of your daughter. They also have no domestic assistant. And your husband is living in a different city which has a distance around 400 kilometres. So, you live in the house, only with your daughter.

But then, when you have a domestic assistant, you can not fully trust her. The world starts being crazy, and also the people. You picked her up from somewhere on the planet, you don’t know her attitude before. No recommendation from anyone.

You have heard on TV and read in newspaper, about many bad things happened to child(ren), done by the maid, or the babysitter, when the parents are working. Then you start worry, when you leave your daughter only with the maid in your house. So, you call your daughter by phone almost every hour. Or you go home at noon, to check your daughter at home, and to make sure that she is fine. You accompany her for a while, eating her lunch. Then go back to the office.

Now, imagine that, next, when you come home, you see your house in a mess, with her toys. You see your daughter is watching TV. And maybe this is what she did all day. You ask her to take a bath, but she resists. While your body and mind are so tired. You start to scold and scream, to make her do what you ask. When the time for dinner come, you need an hour to make sure she finish her dinner. After that, you feel like you want to lay on the bed, but your daughter asks you to play with her. If you resist, then your daughter starts doing somethings you don’t like, asking for your attention.

Now, imagine that, those are what you have to face E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y. 

Actually, you have a lot of ideas, nice activities to do with your daughter, such as cooking together, making handicrafts, story telling, teaching many things. But, when you come home from office, you feel lack of energy to do all the things.

In the weekend, you want to have relax. Maybe go to salon for cream bathing, or body scrubbing. Or just stay at home, watching movie with your husband. Or reading you favorite books. But there are something else you have to do. Maybe your water pump is broken. You have to call plumber to fix it. Or there is an event in your neighborhood, that you must attend and contribute. For examples.

And your daughter asks you to go outside. You wish to go outside to have picnic in nice natural place. And you want to invite your daughter to play in the playground. But then you can’t find nice natural playground in town, nor near the town. Then your daughter asks you to play in mall. You divert her to another nice place. 

Now, imagine that, when your car starts to move to the road. You see a lot of vehicles over there. And there is traffic jam everywhere. And the road user behavior makes you and your husband sick. And everywhere in town, you can see a L-O-T of people. And that make you get a headache. Because you need a quite nice place, and fresh air to refresh your body and mind, which hard to find in here. You both start daydreaming. You wish you were in Europe. 

At the end of weekend, your husband have to go back to the city where he works. You wish he were here, live in the same house with you, everyday. He wishes too, but he can’t. You both have tried many possibilities, and tried to find other chances. 

At one side, you want to be ‘exist’ in office. You want to pursue your career. But it is in contrary with your role as a mother and wife. What you do now, you go to the office late everyday, and come home earlier as long as you can. You refuse when your boss ask you to work in the weekend. You tell your boss a thousand reasons when he ask you to go out of city for official duty. You lose many chances. You just do boring job in office, in a not conducive environment and situation. What you do now is just working, not pursuing your career. And you have bad colleagues, and bad boss, who asks you to do ineffective and some useless tasks. They also have bad behavior, that make you feel nausea. And the worst thing, you work in a bad system. You want to change your job.

You also need challenge and need to upgrade yourself. You want to have training course outside of country. Or pursuing a PhD. You need new experiences. You are still young. You want new adventures. You want to go around the world. And not only go, you want to live there for few moments. You expect to do something meaningful. But once again, it is in contrary with your role as a mother and wife. You are in doubt.

Inside your heart, you worry. You want to be a good wife, which follow your husband wherever he goes. You also want to be a good mother, who take care of your child(ren) by yourself. You have learned, that in your religion, it is one of your main responsibilities to educate and take care of your children, instead of working outside. You want to resign from your job. But your husband ask you to think about it 100 times. Because he knows you, and worry what if you just stay at home. You will be bored. 

 You have to choose one and decide. You can not reach great successful in both.

There are a lot of smart children you can find around you now. But not many, that also have good character, moral and behavior. Or maybe, you have educated your children. And they become good and nice children. But you still have to be aware with their friends, environment, and other influences, such as gadget, internet, TV, movies, comics, etc. (Read THIS). Because you live in a crazy world.

Will you regret when you fail in your career? MORE? than when you fail to educate your children to be good persons as HIS purpose?

Teringat SMS tauhid Aa Gym pagi ini:

‘Keberhasilan orang tua bukan diukur oleh harta, gelar, pangkat dan popularitas anaknya, melainkan kedekatan anak dengan Allah’.

Anak2 yang sholeh/sholehah, adalah investasi paling berharga di akhirat nanti.

So, being 32, you learn about new levels of patience, and sincerity. You have realized your main duties, but still, you are struggling to defeat your ego. 

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